It has been a long time, damnit. So very long since I bothered to write anything here. Two years! How naughty and horrible am I?
Life has been ridiculously busy. We moved to Mississippi and moved back 3 months later. Eight months after that, the kids and I moved in with my boyfriend who I met in December 2011. We’ve been together since and are all happy and healthy, but not so weathly. 😉 We don’t intend to marry given that both of us were in rather horrible marriages with crappy outcomes. We just want things to stay the way they are. Equal and uncomplicated.
In late May of this year, we learned my mother was ill. Three weeks later, on June 11, 2013, she was dead. Stage IV Pancreatic cancer was the culprit and my life seems to have changed in so many ways now she’s gone. The changes in me may seem minute to one on the outside looking in, but in my heart there is a hole that is so gaping, I feel like nothing can ever fill it. I miss her horribly. Yet, life clumsily bungles on. My kids are growing, the leaves are changing, the weather is cooler and there is always solace to be found in the constancy of change. Samhain is a week away, Thanksgiving a month, and Yule is two months. We will continue on without her and still laugh, joke, eat, and cry as if she were still here. If she could see me, I wonder if she would feel as though I’ve forgotten her already. Probably not. I could imagine she would smile and be glad that I am living my life in spite of my grief, because she was the most wholly unselfish person I’ve ever known.
I work everyday. I track down people whose cars are up for repossession, I manage the office, and deal with the people who come in to collect their belongings or pay off their cars. It’s enjoyable and I have two of the most amazing bosses ever. Really sweet guys and I couldn’t be happier. At least my family is [mostly] back on it’s feet after my divorce. It took enough time, for real.
When I started this blog, I was a stay at home mother of two toddlers, and married to one of the most insensitive, hateful men to ever walk this earth. When the decision was finally made to leave him, I knew life would change a lot but I had no idea whatsoever it would change to the degree it has. I had no idea it would change ME to the degree it has. It feels like I’ve aged 15 years in 4; probably looks it too. I have a shit ton of gray hair. But now, I have a beautiful, accepting and loving partner who thinks I’m beautiful no matter what. He tells me that all the time, inexplicably when I have just woken up or late at night when I’ve smudged my makeup under my eyes. He loves me so unconditionally that sometimes I think I might burst… I think he must be blind or crazy, but the fact is that he just loves me the same way I love him. Making sense of life as it is, as it should have ALWAYS been, as it should always be, is sometimes difficult. Seven years of abuse and neglect does that to a person. Boyfriend and I don’t ever really talk mushy stuff other than the I love you’s, but he makes me so warm and fuzzy inside. He really, I think, has NO idea how much I love him and how he seems to save me a little more everyday. He has no idea the happiness I feel falling asleep next to him every night, or sitting on the couch with him, or making ridiculous jokes, or fussing about fundamentalists, or all the stuff we do. I so deserve him, it just took me awhile to believe it myself. Being really in love is a process I never understood until now. It’s awesome. I don’t think I would have handled my mother’s death with the amount of strength, decorum, and forbearance that I have without him.
I could disappear within him, the world be damned. Which is kind of what I’ve done.
My work day is coming to a close and so shall this blog post. It’s not my most articulate or entertaining, but it helps sometimes to write the emotions felt, or tell the story untold. And, there you have it, in brief. Hopefully, I will take the time to write more often and to give this blog the attention it deserves.
If you were a prior reader, then you will notice a lot of the old posts are gone. For whatever reason, I felt they no longer represented who I am or how I feel. I’ve left the others.
Au revoir, pour l’instant.